Why 'just do it' is bad advice

Her goal was to lose weight.

Her plan was to get to the gym three times per week and track her food.

When we met at the end of the week, she’d done neither.

So we tried again. Get to the gym one time, don’t worry about tracking anything. When we came back together the following week, she’d missed on those goals as well. And she was beating herself up, hard, for all that she wasn’t doing. All of the progress that she wasn’t making.

“I know what I need to be doing,” she said. “I’m just not doing it. I just need to try harder.”

And therein lies two of the most common myths when it comes to behavior change. That making change is simple, and that making said change is just a matter of willpower. Those two myths are the root of a great deal of shame when it comes to change.

If we assume that developing a new habit, or breaking an old habit is simple, then we are upset and frustrated with ourselves when we find the change harder to make than when our friend set out to make the same change. There’s something wrong with us. We are incapable of change. We just need to try harder and put in more effort.

The same can be said of believing that our behaviors are simply a matter of willpower. We berate ourselves when we don’t have the discipline to start or stop a new behavior. We just need more willpower.

And yet we already have a ton of willpower – we use that resource to do our jobs, to take care of our families, and to be a responsible member of society. Our struggle to make positive self-change is more complicated than self-control or effort.

There are so many other factors at play.

Going back to the client whose goal it is to get to the gym three times per week and change her diet and who is struggling.

We continued to meet over the course of the next few months – she made some progress, but after six months was disappointed in herself that she hadn’t accomplished more. She hit some goals and missed others and was trying to decide whether or not being healthier was even worth her effort (see the post from a few weeks ago about our monitor).

Over time, our conversations gradually switched from setting SMART goals to talking about other aspects of our life. She talked about how her life-long battle with weight has always hung heavy over her head. We talked about her shame – about her struggle to love herself and her body – we talked about her ambivalence about the process. How she both wanted to lose weight and also feared making some of these changes.

She found a good therapist.

Then she started really doing the hard work, about past traumas and hurt, about grief, about identity. As she had those conversations, she began to find more room in her emotional world to make some of the SMART goals. She got to the gym. And she started taking back her life, piece by piece.

The story isn’t based on any one person. It’s based on hundreds of interactions I’ve had with clients over the years. The thing about this whole behavior change process is that it’s wound up pretty tight with this whole feeling thing. And this emotion thing. And this life thing.

So if you are one of those people reading this post right now and feeling like changing habits should be easier, or you just need to try harder, stop for a minute and challenge those thoughts. Dig a little deeper. Examine your defensiveness. Examine your ambivalence.

And try to give yourself some grace. Because as much as I love Nike, change is never as easy as just doing it.