One foot in front of the other.

This was my mantra. It’s what popped into my head as I jogged the first two flights of stairs at the Fenway Park Spartan Sprint over the weekend.

By the time I bear crawled the last two flights of stairs at the start of the race, my legs were garbage. 

One foot in front of the other.

We jogged around the stadium, weaving our way through the seats and up stairs. I didn't feel like I was in my body.

I slowed to a walk as I went down stairs, and heaved my way up the stairs, worrying that if I tried to go faster, my wasted legs would miss a step and I’d face plant into the concrete.

The last few weeks have been a struggle. And my body felt every bit of that struggle on Saturday. 

I’ve talked openly about my journey with depression - and some of you may recall my story from 2005, when it was a failed run that helped open my eyes to my misery. It was as a result of that run that I realized that maybe, just maybe, life could be better than either awful or just ok. 

I slugged my way to the second obstacle  - box jumps - and looked out at the field, at the Green Monster where other runners were racing in front of me. 

For the first time, I considered that this might be the first race in which I participated and never finished. 

I watched women half my age effortlessly jumping up and down onto the concrete box and tried to will myself to do the same. But my legs weren’t having it. I did my step ups and thought, one foot in front of the other. 

Then I went back to my mantra - one that I’ve used in races in the past - I am strong, I am capable. 

But I didn’t believe it. 

I kept going, keeping up with my Spurling teammates as best I could, doing obstacles where I could and burpees where I couldn’t (83 to be exact). And all along, repeating my mantra.

I am strong, I am capable. 

One foot in front of the other.

I didn't believe the first phrase and was struggling mightily with the second. 

I don’t know if I ever believed that I was strong or I was capable last Saturday. But I kept telling myself anyway.

Don't get me wrong - there were plenty of other thoughts going through my mind. The usual negative soundtrack was playing. But I tried to interrupt it as often as possible.  

In talking to many clients over the past few weeks, I know that much of life has felt the same for you. The time change (which is no small thing), being without power for a week, whatever the case may be, many of you have struggled as well.

I'm not sure what you think in times of struggle. Maybe you've also told yourself things that you just couldn't quite believe - trying to interrupt your own negative thoughts. 

I am strong, I am capable.

I can do this.

I will do this.  

It can be really tough to give ourselves a positive message in hard times. It's a practice and one that I'm not great at. But I'm learning, slowly, to deliver the positive messages where I can, even when I don't believe them. Because eventually, we absorb it. We start to live it. And gradually, we feel it. 

By Sunday morning I was feeling a little more myself. And I tried to remind myself that I survived. 

Life can feel really hard. It can feel like a struggle. Those peaks and valleys will always happen. 

But we get through them. And hopefully come out a little stronger on the other side. 

Last August I wrote a blog post detailing my early struggles with depression. 

Nine months later, I look back at that post and feel a little deceitful. When I re-read my words, it almost sounds as though I overcame and conquered my depression - like I hammered it into submission and took control of my life.  And while I did take a major step by even acknowledging the struggle and then treating it, I’d be lying if I said that depression doesn’t affect almost every day I have here on this earth. 

Some days are still hard. 

For most of my life, I haven’t known where depression ends and I begin. Depression and I have been one and the same for so long, that despite seeking treatment with medication 12 years ago, I continue to assume that my life now is as good as it gets.

Anyone who has battled any kind of depression or anxiety knows the truth. You have good days, you have bad days. You stack a few bad days together and call it a funk. You stack a few more together and call it a long funk. But you resist calling it more than that, because hey, I’m taking medication for this. 

What is fatigue from hard work and what is depression? How much apathy is too much? How much of what I feel is just who I am and how much of what I feel is this daily battle with a disorder that I am still trying to understand? 

Off and on for the past few months - I’ve had many moments of wanting to die. That’s hard to write. That’s hard to admit. But it doesn’t make it any less true. 

I get up and go to work at a job that I love and that I believe in. I give everything I have while I’m there. But at the end of the day, and many moments in between, I’ve hoped to just drop dead from an aneurysm. 

It’s called passive suicide ideation. 

And I just learned that it’s a thing. A real thing, with a name. I learned this from a psychiatrist I consulted when a friend convinced me that, despite taking medication for my depression, my life could still be better. I resisted her for a long time, feeling like she was wrong. That I just wasn’t trying hard enough. That, despite knowing better, it was about my effort and willingness to do more, and not related to an illness that punches and kicks me so often that I’m just used to it. 

In recent months, I’ve been reminded that, while I’ve won a number of battles with depression, I continue to fight the war. Years ago, I took the first step in managing my depression. And that was a life-changing, life-saving step.  

But lately, the battles have come daily. 

A month ago, I changed medications - to be specific, I added a new medication. I think it’s working better. It’s working well enough that I’m going to take the plunge to put this out there in public. I’m not sure yet. I won’t likely know for another few weeks.

But I’ve made a decision that I will talk about my depression. And not just when I feel like I’m in a good place. I’ll talk from the hard places too when I can.

Because we don’t talk enough about the suffering. We don't share enough in the heartbreak and in the hard.

But it's time to start.  

This is my 75th blog post of 2016.

And the 107th post on my very young site. 

Looking back through the posts, a major goal for the new year is to write better headlines though. :)

I have my reservations about doing a “best of” for my blog. My site is young, and despite my age, I’m young in the industry. I’ve learned a lot, but the more I learn, the more I realize I still have to learn. 

But I started this site in part because there is so much gimmicky fitness bulls*** out there that it becomes impossible to know where to start with your fitness journey. I wanted to give friends, family members, and clients a place to find information to get them started. And thousands of people have visited the site which is very humbling.

Many of these posts are reflections of me and what I’ve learned in the 40 plus years I’ve had to fiddle around on this earth. Some of them tie into fitness, and some of them, like the most popular post from the site, are just about life.

1. It took 15 years and a failed run to understand how depression was affecting my life

With close to 10,000 views on Facebook and 22 shares, this was by far the most popular post that I wrote in 2016. But this is more about the pervasive struggle with mental health issues and the fact that according to the Center for Disease Control, as many as 1 in 10 adults report symptoms of depression than it is about anything I'm saying. This is just my story. 

2. Why I turned down a Division I scholarship

Once again, this has nothing to do with fitness, but everything to do with what it means to be a coach or a parent working with kids in youth sports. Burnout can come out of nowhere, and it did for me. 

3. You don't have to earn your holiday cookies

This was a recap from 2015, but so important that I thought it was worth re-writing and posting, and so did all of you. I'll be working more on this message in 2017, and hopefully you will too. Because it's important.

4. Are you over 50? Read this

This is a post addressing the importance of working on balance and core strength as you age. 

5. Exercises to combat the dangers of sitting

I wrote this post while still working at a desk job, and with folks who were constantly trying to find ways and times and strategies to move a little more. The two-part post involves videos of exercises you can do while still in your office, and some of them you can do while wearing a dress. Maybe. I mean if you want.

Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to read my site, like my Facebook page or follow me on Instagram. I look forward to continuing my education and growing my knowledge base to provide you with the most useful information I can in 2017. 

Cheers to the new year.