In the book Tatoos on the Heart, Father Gregory Boyle tells the story of a young man battling a heroin addiction.

In counseling the boy, he says “you have to crawl before you can walk and walk before you can run.”

To which the boy replies with tears in his eyes, “But I know I can fly. I just need a gust of wind.”

The little gust of wind for my cape here came from a fan. But you never know where that gust is going to come from that's going to help you fly. 

I was listening to the book on my drive down to the gym yesterday and paused it after he told this story. I couldn't listen to anything else.

It was one of those lines that landed on my heart. 

I know I can fly. I just need a gust of wind.

We all want to run before we can walk. I don’t just want to write blog posts, I want to write a novel. Yesterday at physical therapy, my therapist handed me a pair of pink one pound dumbbells for me to do bicep curls.

One pound. 

I don’t want to do one pound dumbbell curls, I want to deadlift twice my bodyweight. 

Restraint is so difficult.

We know in the world of health and fitness that adopting a restrictive diet or trying to work out five days a week, in the beginning, is often the recipe for failure. We decide to run a 5k and bust out 20 miles in a week before our bodies break down and we find ourselves battling injuries because we didn't have the patience to pace ourselves.

We adopt a no carb diet only to find ourselves gorging on a piece of cake seven days in to the 30 day plan. 

We know that in order for behavioral change to stick, we have to start slow, and stack one block at a time. 

We have to crawl before we can walk. 

We know this.

But it's that last line from the boy that pulls so hard at me. Crawl before we can walk, yes. Stacking the blocks one at a time, yes.

"But I know I can fly." 

What this boy is speaking to is potential. 

The definition of potential is "latent qualities or abilities that may be developed and lead to future success or usefulness." I believe we all have it within us to be the best version of ourselves that we can be. It's up to us to determine what that means. 

And yet..

"I just need a gust of wind."

I think we sometimes beat ourselves up over our own potential. Do you know the number one comment I hear from clients whenever I ask what we can do to help support them in the process?

"Nothing. It's not you. It's me. I just need to do a better job. I know what I need to do, I just need to do it."

To those clients I'd say no.

Stop being so hard on yourself. 

Yes you have the potential. You know you can fly. I know you can fly. 

Sometimes you just need a little gust of wind. 

The other day I got into work and dressed for my workout.

I had my Pirates hat on backward. 

I hadn’t shaved my legs in three days. 

I put on the brightest red shoes I owned.

And I worked out in a pair of five-inch Nike Pro spandex that I originally bought to wear under my gym shorts.

There's a new book out entitled "The Art of Not Giving a F***"

I'm practicing just that.

I have varicose veins on my calves that seem to spread everyday. My thighs are bright white and haven’t seen the sun since September, because, you know, Maine. I’ve got Grandma Lloyd’s wild black chin hairs that I somehow miss plucking in the morning and then see at work when I don’t have tweezers. (Moral of the story is to plant tweezers everywhere). 

I've never struggled with weight. But I've been ashamed of my body just the same. 

I’m 40 years old.

It would be a lie to say that I'm totally ok with my body - but I'm as close as I've ever been.

People who know me well are sometimes startled to see Facebook posts of me wearing those short spandex. For years I wore long gym shorts down to my knees because I was ashamed of my bright white, large thighs with cellulite on them. I refer to my legs as tree trunks. I wore spandex underneath so that no one would see those thighs.

But I can honestly say that at this point in my life, I don't care anymore. 

I want to distinguish between not caring because I'm depressed, and not caring because I've worked hard to build a strong body and finally feel comfortable enough in my own skin to wear what I want to wear. 

And that whole part about feeling comfortable in my own skin? That's taken me the last 25 years. And a lot of therapy. 

I don’t remember when I learned to be ashamed of my body, and in my case my overall identity, but ever since I can remember, I've been embarrassed.  I went to school in the 90’s when we all wore oversize clothes. Take a look at this team picture from basketball in 1994. That t-shirt I’m wearing is a men’s extra-large. 

I weighed 115 pounds.

I wore size 10 pants, sometimes size 12.

I was probably a size 4. 

Sure some of that was the style of the 90's - but I was grateful for that style. I could have never worn a basketball jersey with no t-shirt underneath. If the basketball shorts were shorter, I never would have played. 

Because I learned to be ashamed of my body before I knew what the word ashamed even meant.  

During travel softball on hot summer days my teammates would pull off their shirts and lay in the sun in their sports bras - many girls did because it the heat was brutal in downtown Philadelphia in July. 

Not me. I had an uneven tan and thought I was fat. 

I thought I was fat. 

I carried myself with the shame, and probably my depression, head down and thoughts turned in, feeling all of the woefully inadequate thoughts that teenagers feel. Shame is complicated, and I know for me, some of my shame was wrapped up in a struggle with my identity that I couldn't name at the time. 

But I was also surrounded my a mother and grandmother that talked constantly about being fat - needing to lose weight - shouldn't eat this or that. They meant no harm, but I absorbed that language from the time I was small and it translated into the obsession that I think all women have about weight and appearance. 

So today, I give gratitude that finally, at 40 years old I am comfortable with my body - my chin hairs and varicose veins and belly fat, and comfortable in my skin - I no longer spend my energy trying not to look gay. I am who I am. And that's ok. 

The poem “Warning” makes sense to me now.  

"When I am an old women I shall wear purple
With a red hat that doesn't go and doesn't suit me."

Except mine is something like this:

"When I approach middle age, I shall wear spandex
With a baseball hat on backward and socks up to my knees if I want.
And a pair of Wonder Woman Converse Chucks. 
In fact, sometimes I'll dress as Wonder Woman when I work
Because life is too short to save costumes for Halloween

I shall have crazy black chin hairs and a moustache
if I go more than three weeks without a wax
 

Earlier this week I wrote a post on what stress really looks like, and specifically, how chronic stress can play a major role in your fat loss progress.  

You can check out part one here.

You know what chronic stress looks like. You wake up worried and struggle to fall asleep because you’re still worried. You’re distracted and scattered when trying to get things done. You constantly walk into a room and wonder why you're there.

Snuggling with Rooney is scientifically proven to reduce stress. Science people. 

But what do you do about it?

1. Put the emphasis on sleep

According to the National Institute of Neurological Disorders and Stroke, about 40 million people in the United States suffer from chronic long-term sleep disorders each year and an additional 20 million people experience occasional sleep problems. So I'm going to go out on a limb and assume that at least a few of you reading this struggle with falling asleep, staying asleep, or feeling rested when you wake up.

So what can you do about it?

Start by tracking your sleep. For those of you wearing a Fitbit, the device is already doing that for you, and chances are it's telling you what you already know. But figure out how much sleep you average in a week. Seven to nine hours is ideal. I know, I know. That's fantasy land for a lot of folks. But it's true. 

Reduce your screen time two hours before bed. By now you've heard that staring at a screen reduces your melatonin levels which will impact your ability to fall asleep and stay asleep. If you have the kindle app on your iPad and that's where your book is, at least turn on the night shift feature, which reduces the blue light that can affect your brain. Or consider using Audible and have someone with a sultry voice read your book to you :)

Make the room completely dark. The biggest improvement I've made to my sleep routine was the simplest. I cover my eyes with a mask. I never appreciated how much light I was sleeping with, even when the lights were off. 

2. Find ways to kick in your parasympathetic nerve system

Have you ever been laying in bed, trying to tell yourself to stop thinking? It’s a practice in futility. 

You have a thought.

Then a reaction.

“Kim, stop thinking about that."

Another thought.

“Ok I’m going to just stop thinking about that.”

I think about pitchers and catchers reporting to spring training in less than a week, but it's only seconds before I'm back to the original thought.

And on it goes until you’re in a full-fledged fight with yourself. That your losing.

The parasympathetic nervous system (PNS) is the part of our nervous system that is responsible for slowing down, relaxing and recuperating - which in turn reduces the stress response and increases positive emotional feelings. But we can’t talk ourselves into switching on the PNS. We have to be in our bodies and practice it.

Snuggle with your pet

My favorite way to relax is snuggling with Rooney. It was only recently that I realized that getting a good snuggle with him on the couch is relaxing because it does kick on my PNS.

Deep breathing

The first time I tried this practice in my 20’s I almost hyperventilated. As an already anxious person, thinking about breathing was for me, ironically, stressful. But if you can teach yourself to take long, full, slow deep breaths through your nose - hold those for 1-2 seconds, and then release the breath through your mouth, you can breathe your way into a relaxing state. 

Deep breathing works best for me when I snuggle with Rooney, because he naturally isn't phased by anything, and therefore breathes very deeply.  

Massage

Yes we’re still under ways to kick on the PNS. Have you ever had a massage, then walked out to your car feeling like you shouldn’t drive? You’re massage drunk. It means it was a good massage and your PNS has kicked on. Do more of that.

Meditation

Meditation is the most difficult on this list. Who would think that sitting still and breathing could be such a challenge? We live in a high-stress, noisy world. But research has shown that meditating, even if it's only five minutes a day, can help boost your immune system, lower blood pressure, your heart rate, and stress hormones (back to cortisol and adrenaline) and keep you from losing your mind on a co-worker later that day. 

Rather than just tell you to go sit on the floor and be quiet though, I encourage folks to start with a short guided meditation. I often use talks from Tara Brach, which you can find for free here. If it's your first time meditating, look for one that is less than 10 minutes. 

3. Build your support network

Last week I wrote a post about finding the strength to be vulnerable. About needing other people to help me out while I spend a month in a sling after major shoulder surgery. 

I'm grateful for the partner, friends, and co-workers that I can lean on to help out while I recover. Learning how to allow yourself to need others in times of high stress is one of the greatest gifts you can give to yourself, and to other people who want to help out. Maybe it's taking your kids to a movie so you can have two hours to yourself or with your spouse. Maybe it's meeting a friend for lunch so you can vent. Whatever it is, learning to build and need your support network can be a very useful way to manage stress.

4. Practice self-compassion

Yes, I saved the hardest one for last. Be nice to yourself. My tag line of be strong and be kind applies not only to others, but to yourself as well. I know this is a struggle for many of us. It's second-nature to self-flagellate and bury ourselves under the mountain of shoulds. 

Stop. 

Be kind to yourself. You are a good person doing good things.

Trust that.