May you be free from suffering

Yesterday, I was listening to a new book when I heard this phrase:

“We suffer most when we believe we have no efficacy in our lives – that nothing we do can help the outcome.”

As is often the case when I hear something that gets my attention, I paused the book and drove for awhile in silence. I was thinking about the times in my life when I have suffered most. One of those times is something that I don't write or talk about much.

Because one of, if not the, most difficult periods of my life was when I started coming to terms with my sexual identity.

As I grew to know myself better and understand my true identity, I realized that I could either live my life as a lie or….

Back then, in 1999, I truly believed there was no “or.”

And that's when the suffering really began. Because I was sure there was nothing I could do to help the outcome.

The very first time I fell in love – you know that head over heels, everything is brighter, heart skipping a beat kind of love? I was only a few weeks into that relationship before my girlfriend at the time told me, as we were driving to dinner on a moonlit night in Erie, PA, holding hands, that it was too bad.

“What’s too bad?” I asked.

“You’re going to be my first broken heart.”

It’s hard to put into words the kind of gut punch I felt in that moment. Because, while the pain and disappointment of her words were devastating, I was also sure that she was right. I just hadn't wanted to think about it.

No matter how right our relationship felt, I knew that I had no say in the outcome. Because there was only one outcome. We would both move on and live our lives as straight people.

The suffering I felt over the course of the next year was intense. I couldn’t talk to anyone about how I felt. I struggled to get out of bed. I struggled to get to my job. I was enrolled in a Master’s in Counseling class at the time and half-way the semester one of my professors pulled me aside and told me that something had changed in me - and she wanted to know what was wrong.

I couldn't tell her. So I dropped out of the program.

I lived my life in that state of suffering for a long time, because I didn’t believe that I had a choice. And I guess that's really the point of me sharing so much about me today. To remind you, that if you are suffering, you do still have a choice.

"We flourish when we believe that we have the strength, resilience, and ability to create the meaning and direction in our lives."

That was the next line in the book, when I hit play again.

It took me a long time to realize that I could find the strength and resilience to choose the path that was right for me. What that meant, was losing a few people along the way. What that meant, was my mom not talking to me for a long time. What that meant, was that I was always going to be on the outside of normal, and that my civil rights would be decided by others.

What that also meant was that I got to decide on the direction of my life. That I got to decide what was meaningful to me. I can be silly. I can be ridiculous. I can joke, and I can write authentically.

But only because I eventually realized that I had a choice in the matter.

Yesterday Sheila and I celebrated our 8th wedding anniversary and on Friday, we’ll share our 15th anniversary as a couple.

This year, for the first time ever, my mom sent us an anniversary card (filled with coupons...). It's the first time she's ever acknowledged our relationship.

It seems that she also made a choice.

Whatever your suffering, it is my sincerest wish that you can find a way to see that you really do have the strength, resilience, and ability to create meaning and direction in your life.

May you be free from suffering,