Make it stick
In my workshop, The Other 165, we’ve tackled a number of different topics. We’ve discussed the challenges of negative self-talk, of limiting self-beliefs, and most recently, self-sabotage. The folks in this class are working hard on their Tuesday evenings.
With each subject and each discussion, a similar question arises.
Ok, I’ve become more self-aware of the way I talk to myself, I recognize that I have these limiting beliefs, and I understand some of the ways that I’ve sabotaged myself. Now what? It’s a great question, and one that I struggle with on a daily basis. The benefit of having had a spiritual director in college and doing years of therapy is that I’ve had to opportunity and space to become more self-aware in many aspects of my life.
In many ways, I live under a constant burden of self-awareness. I know what I need to be doing it, I’m just not doing it every single day the way I want to be doing it…
Becoming more aware of your habits and your tendencies is a key first step to making important changes in your life. Unfortunately, by itself it’s not enough.
Last night, we talked at great length about ways to use that base of awareness to make the behavior change that we are looking for – and here are a few strategies that we came up with.
1. Find an accountability partner
Habit change is too much of a burden to carry on your own. I’ve been reminded of this extensively in my work with a new therapist. I’ve made some significant habit changes in my work with her, because we choose one habit each week for me to focus on and then I report back to her about my progress the next week. If I was successful, we move on. If I wasn’t, we trouble-shoot.
Many of us are such people pleasers that we might not do something for ourselves, but we will absolutely do it for someone else. And we are also people of integrity – if we tell someone else we are going to do something, we’re more likely to follow through.
Find someone in your life that you can use as an accountability partner. Reach out to your coach (we’re happy to help), a trusted friend, a spiritual advisor or a therapist. But don’t go it alone. Change is too hard for that.
2. Develop a mindfulness practice
Jon Kabat-Zinn is an author who writes extensively on mindfulness and defines it as “the awareness that arises from paying attention, on purpose, in the present moment and non-judgmentally.” I would put the emphasis for most of us on that last part – non-judgmentally.
Learning to practice meditation or centering prayer on a daily basis can be incredibly helpful in facilitating change for yourself. The morning or evening quiet time, even if it’s five minutes, can give your brain and your heart a few minutes to settle down. I have found that by practicing 10 minutes of meditation four times a week (I’m working my way to seven), I’ve been better able to carry and apply some of my habit change goals into my days.
If you’re looking for a place to begin, one of my favorite books from Kabat-Zinn is “Wherever You Go, There You Are.” (I once lost my copy and thought well, wherever it went, there it is. I thought that was funnier than my therapist at the time). In the book he gives you practical tips that you can apply throughout the day to help you become more mindful.
3. Stop judging yourself
I know, I kind of already said this in the paragraph above, but it bears repeating. Also, I feel like lists need to be either three or five things. I don’t know why.
Our greatest burden to ourselves is the judgement we put on ourselves. It is impossible to live up to our own expectations under the weight of constant self-flagellation. It seems like having an inner drill sargent is the way to go, but really, that only makes us feel worse.
I don’t really know how to wrap this one up, except to say that change is hard. Stop trying to do it all by yourself. Reach out to your coach, your friend and your community. You can make changes that stick. You really can.